The Profanity Swan

Idol Thoughts - No. 2

2007-01-22T22:23:00.000+01:00

Idol Thoughts - No. 1

2007-01-22T22:19:00.000+01:00

Tiger Woods' Woulds & Wouldn'ts

2006-11-23T13:23:00.000+01:00

If you're anything like me, you probably enjoy getting inside the heads of top golfers and trying to imagine stuff that they would and wouldn't do. That's what I did here. Luckily FRONT magazine gave me some money so they could share it with the world.

The Secret Language Of... The Model

2006-11-23T13:18:00.000+01:00

Here's another 'Secret Language'. As the title suggests, it's about models. Erm...

The Secret Language Of... The Football Manager

2006-11-23T12:54:00.000+01:00

For the past year I've been working on some comedy-flavoured doings for the mighty FRONT magazine, more of which will be filtered into this polluted area as time goes by. This is an early example of the 'Secret Language' series, which has been translated into seventeen different languages because of its phenomenal success...

FOOTBALL: When Mind Games Go Mental

2006-11-02T10:33:00.000+01:00

Whilst the verbal bear-baiting between Arsene, Fergie, Rafa and Jose is always an interesting diversion, their refined bitching pales in comparison to some of the other rivalries in world football.

In

Paraguay

for example, two leading figures in the game have indulged in an ongoing dispute that has spilled out of the genteel world of words and into a succession of brutal, ugly gestures. Dr Carlos de Pasotarore, president of Club Luitano and Dr Victor Gonzales-Gonzalez (left), his counterpart at Mericadio Xmas are locked in a fierce war of wills which dates back over ten years. We look back at some of the highlights…

FEBRUARY 1997 – Dr de Pasotarore (right) is humiliated two days before a match between the two sides when photographs appear in the partisan 'Viva Xmas!' newspaper, showing him blowing up an orphanage (below). Following an inquiry, it is revealed that the photos were doctored and that the Luitano manager was actually blowing up a toy factory.

JULY 2002 – Dr de Pasotarore is believed to be behind a stunt where fourteen leprosy-riddled prostitutes (the cheapest kind available, known in Paraguay as 'wafers') turn up at Dr Gonzales-Gonzalez' son's third birthday, drunk and intent on causing sexual mayhem. As a result, five people are shot dead.

MAY 2005 – Dr Gonzales-Gonzalez outrages Paraguay during a match between the two sides by filling his dugout with dwarves dressed as Dr de Pasotarore, replete with trademark white quiff. Two-thirds of the way through the game with the score poised at 1-1, he orders them to strip in the technical area before dousing them in pink paint and beating them with canes.

OCTOBER 2006 – Dr de Pasotarore is rushed into hospital to have his lungs drained in an emergency procedure. TV cameras are present and Dr Gonzales-Gonzalez guests as a studio pundit. His only contribution is continuous gales of laughter, and he has to be forcibly removed from the studio after attacking a naked life-sized model of his rival which had been set up on an operating table in the studio.

The Periodicals' Pyre - No. 4

2006-10-26T14:27:00.000+01:00

More from the newsagent's graveyard...

PIGS IN WIGS: On its own, a pig is a dull, ugly object. But glue a wig onto it and it is instantly transformed into an icon of glamour and mystery while still retaining the stink of old shite. This magazine devoted itself to the enigma that is a pig with a wig on its head, trying to communicate with the helpless animals while campaigning for them to be promoted to government and other posts of high office. When it was revealed that its editor was smuggling east European pigs into the country and selling them as sex hogs, the magazine vanished. Forever?

The Periodicals' Pyre - No. 3

2006-10-26T14:23:00.000+01:00

Magazines we've loved then lost...

FINGER GUNNER DAILY: Launched in the eighteenth century, three days after the invention of the gun, this used to be the only daily publication aimed at people who enjoy blasting bullets into their own hands at close range. But the rise of the internet, coupled with the launch of over ninety similar daily magazines in the last five years, meant that Finger Gunner Daily shot itself in the hand instead of the head earlier this year when its readership fell into the dreaded negative figures.

The Cobbler And The Gobbler

2006-10-09T22:11:00.000+01:00

Another comic strip from Loaded what I devised (illustrated to perfection by Tim Major). Click on the pic if you want to be able to actually read it. A happy finish when you get your shoes soled...

The Siamese Twits

2006-10-06T13:13:00.000+01:00

Another one from 'Loaded - again illustrated by the blessed quill of Tim Major. Clicky = bigness.

The Engine Angels

2006-10-06T13:02:00.000+01:00

This is a cartoon strip which I write for 'Loaded' a while ago. It would be nothing without the genius illustrationary work of Tim Major. If I could find a website for Tim, I would link to it. But I can't. Sorry Tim. As ever, click on it to big it up.

The Periodicals' Pyre - No. 2

2006-10-05T17:42:00.000+01:00

An occasional look at classic magazines of yesteryear that tragically did gone...

SQUIGGLE:
It's often said that the gay rights revolution of 1982 would have come along a lot sooner if the gay race had been able to openly speak of their love of doodling, scribbling and idly scrawling on the backs of envelopes while chatting on the phone about chiffon and poppers. Squiggle gave them a voice and was the biggest selling magazine with pink words on the cover for fifteen straight years. Sadly, it all fell apart in the summer of 2005 when the magazine's publisher was bought out by former Sun editor Kelvin McKenzie, who filled its pages with horse tits and questionnaires.

The Periodicals' Pyre - No. 1

2006-10-05T12:15:00.000+01:00

An occasional look at classic magazines of yesteryear that sadly are none more...

ALL PAUL:
This long-standing favourite hit the shelves during the early days of Paul Daniels' love affair with fame and adulation and was edited and published by a shady and anonymous figured named Laup Andiels. Like the cover featured here, every one of its pages featured nothing but multiple images of the magician with repeated words of praise smeared over them. The magazine folded after Daniels sued it for covering one page with the word 'cock-knocker'. ..

More 'Sour Mash' stuff...

2006-10-05T11:36:00.000+01:00

Here's a few more of my etchings from the ill-fated but lovingly-crafted magazine 'Sour Mash'. Click on the images if you want to see 'em get all bigger...

Adam Rickitt - '10 Things I Believe Are True'

What's On The Sour Mash Stereo? - Tunes That Are Bunging Up Our Lugs

Tech-Check-with gadget guru Antimony Tartrate

Elton - 'No' To 100 Gay Hand Jobs A Week

Sour Mash work

2006-10-05T11:19:00.000+01:00

Below are some clippings from my work for the short-lived, much-mourned 'humour' magazine SOUR MASH. More of these will appear shortly. Click on the thumbnails to see larger versions of the articles...

'The £4.50 Club'...

'The Very Best Of The Fucking Beatles' ad...

'The Animammary Man' column...

New Singles Reviewed

2006-10-04T09:57:00.000+01:00

click on pic to open in new window